Apathy

"Crossroads" - ©Alexander Berg Mattsson

I don’t know what is wrong with me lately
But happiness and laughter seem to resent me
The more I try to recharge myself, the more I feel empty
How am I supposed to lead a happy life
When all that is good for me, feels like a sacrifice
I can’t remember the last time my gaze met your eyes
Still you haunt me – and I feel dead inside
If you see me going through emotions
It’s a charade, I’m just going through the motions
I seem to have lost the sense of feeling, anything at all
And it scares me beyond words – Desperately I wonder, did I lose it all?
To the deepest pits of hell – where my final resting place lies
Welcome inside my mind – where all happy thoughts come to die

The masked figure, clad in darkest black
Resides in my heart, and he won’t give it back
There are no words to explain my state
But at night I wonder, is this my fate?
To walk around earth – not alive, nor dead
Is this really real, or just happening inside my head?
They tell me that my smiles never reach my eyes
The Eyes are the window to ones soul – and souls tell no lies
The mask of humanity is bearing on my strength
I cannot withhold it for any given length
It overwhelms me and buries seeds of doubt
I pray to the lord for an alternative route
Perhaps he found it, and I misplaced the map
For the key to happiness is hope – and I have none of that
They tell me to keep fighting my resignation
They tell me to keep praying for salvation
I tell them all that is my eternal damnation
I numbly whisper – with a muted scream for help
How do you win the battle, when you are battling yourself?

©Alexander Berg Mattsson, 2011

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16 thoughts on “Apathy

  1. Ben Naga says:

    Leave a reply?
    What to tell?
    Only two other ‘Likes’?
    What the hell?

    I don’t know how I missed you before. Sorry. Thank God for Vampire Weather.

    To be simple: a wonderful piece of soul writing. I always love it what mind and heart combine, or writer and muse. Whatever. Thank you. A moving read.

  2. Vampire Weather says:

    Battling yourself is the only true challenge you will ever have. You are assured to always win/lose. A great collection of thoughts that I relate so well lately. Thank you for expressing these thoughts. This part in particular:

    “I can’t remember the last time my gaze met your eyes
    Still you haunt me – and I feel dead inside
    If you see me going through emotions
    It’s a charade, I’m just going through the motions
    I seem to have lost the sense of feeling, anything at all
    And it scares me beyond words – Desperately I wonder, did I lose it all?”

    Could have been ripped from my own soul and pasted in there. Magnificent work. Thank you!

  3. zumpoems says:

    Came here from Ben Naga’s link at his site. Honestly dark poem! This is sometimes what happens when the love of one’s life moves on. Fortunately it usually passes. In the meantime you have left a very wonderful poem!

    1. thepoeticgoblin says:

      Thank you L! Apathy seems to be well received and it’s always nice to have people appreciating one’s work! It’s a bit on the dark side, yes. I hardly plan them that way, it sort of just happens!

      Glad that you liked it 🙂

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