Letter To Simon

I still remember the moment I heard the news
Thinking to myself that this can’t be true
They must be talking about somebody else – anyone but you
Always so happy, you seemed to love to smile
Now I know that it was all a lie
Because deep inside it nested
Depression – your will to live severely tested

Once the rumors were confirmed
That you, by your own hand, had left this earth
I went into denial, I even went back to work
I tried to keep the pain away – but words cannot explain how much it hurt
Haunted by the memories of the last time we met
Blaming myself for not noticing – Friendship, I guess I failed that test

Reliving your wake, another moment I will never forget
The priest said your name and the whole church collapsed
All of a sudden it became so real, we finally understood that you had passed
My mind replaying all the times that we talked and laughed
The heartbreaking sound of a father’s tears when he buries his son
How I tried to pay my condolences but couldn’t make a sound
How I couldn’t attend your funeral, could not bear to see your casket in the ground
How I couldn’t accept that your were no longer around

Do you remember the time when you sold me that bottle of vodka?
You know how you kept pushing the price up and we both kept laughing
We stood outside, in the blistering cold, bargaining like there was no tomorrow
Do you remember all the times we had a long conversation?
About football, girls, our dreams and sorrows

It is not until now that I can begin to understand
The pain of living when all you dream about is death
The pain of constant numbness. The pain of life when all is dark
You took fate in your own hands
Decided that the world of the living, was no longer your land
You were so young, you left us at an early age
But I see now, how life can become ones cage
And how one will take to desperate measures to escape

I pray there is a life after this one
Because your existence is not allowed to be done
I pray that you are happy now, and that you feel at home
I pray that when it becomes my turn, to leave this earth
When they lower my body into the cold, dark dirt
That you are there to greet me, with an honest smirk

I can’t believe that it’s over
But if God called you, I’m not even mad at him
He must have needed a soldier.
and though it is hard to not shed a tear
I know that you are happy in a place far better than here.

©Alexander Berg Mattsson

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17 thoughts on “Letter To Simon

  1. bipolarmuse says:

    I love this poem.
    Depression is the devil. It removes every ounce of “being” and you feel dead long before you truly die.

    I pray there is a life after this one
    Because your existence is not allowed to be done
    I pray that you are happy now, and that you feel at home

    Me too my friend…

    1. thepoeticgoblin says:

      It most definitely is. It drains one completely of emotion and nothing affects you in any kind of way. I really do hope there is an afterlife, especially for those who hated this one so much so that they decided to leave.

  2. cloxdaabsentee says:

    “moving”
    depression is truly a scar on the earth

    “Decided that the world of the living, was no longer your land
    You were so young, you left us at an early age
    But I see now, how life can become ones cage
    And how one will take to desperate measures to escape”

    words that sat with me…

  3. unwrittentruth says:

    This resounds with honesty & such a fateful truth. Life is not always good. I am so sorry. i can very much relate (after having two siblings attempt suicide several times, & institutionalized). i wish i could express this as well as you. i mean, i understand ‘life becomes a cage we want to escape from” (not an exact quote), but i fully believe it’s worth learning how to drive. it won’t always be sorrows. i wish hope was easier. i wish laughter was more often & easier, & wish love wasn’t so measured out these days. it should overflow. we should never hesitate to tell someone we care about them. my heart goes out to you & this friend of yours gone. ~unwritten truth

  4. Jane Thorne says:

    Alex words cannot describe the chord that your words struck in me as my ex.husband still battles depression. Depression is an ‘unseen’ force the lurks in the shadows and we do not always see those it touches…beautifully written, well done Jane

  5. Ben Naga says:

    I hope the writing and sharing of these words, with their honesty and strength are some comfort and healingin this difficult time. I lost a close friend, also named Simon, but to madness rather than to suicide. Reading this brought back many of the same feelings. Peace.

    1. thepoeticgoblin says:

      They tend to be, since writing about it, forces one to actually deal with your emotions and often, one bottles it up until it all implodes instead. This way is healthier and I appreciate that you took your time to share some of your thoughts and I am sorry to hear about your Simon.

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